Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

Delete hinge and date that nice man who lives in his van down by the river

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.

[poorly lit restaurant]

me: I can’t see the menu

wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles

me: no I want food

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.

I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

Twitter,

I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”