My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
You Might Also Like
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny