“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
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Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”
But, why sir?
Chef: yes
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Not helping
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.