Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!

Drilling for oil is well boring.

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..

I said, you too..

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:

If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

Interviewer: What skills do you have?

Me: Mind control

Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us

Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty

Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to

Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?

NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.