My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
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Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
reviewed some movies recently
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.