My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
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A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
airing out the snack pack
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
When libraries troll their patrons.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Maths meets science
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”