My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
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I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
fly smarter, not harder
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible