My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
You Might Also Like
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes