@Brianhopecomedy

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

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@sbellelauren

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

@just1fool

I’m not gullible but she said I was the best she’s ever had and then to wait by the phone for instructions on how to get my wallet back.

@mattZillaaaa

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

@abhorrent_wife

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

@elunatyk

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

@randypaint

dumbledore: we need u to hand deliver the letter to harry

hagrid: why don’t u just make one magically appear into his hands

dumbledore: do i look like a wizard

@JElvisWeinstein

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

@thetits

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

@Tups13

Would the Government cope in a zombie apocalypse? Vacant, horrible, disoriented people stumbling around without purpose. Plus the zombies.

@MarfSalvador

Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please