My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
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GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts