remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
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I’m not gullible but she said I was the best she’s ever had and then to wait by the phone for instructions on how to get my wallet back.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
dumbledore: we need u to hand deliver the letter to harry
hagrid: why don’t u just make one magically appear into his hands
dumbledore: do i look like a wizard
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Would the Government cope in a zombie apocalypse? Vacant, horrible, disoriented people stumbling around without purpose. Plus the zombies.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please