My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
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i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
A friend helps you before you need it
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.