My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
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Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
This is why I hate group projects
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁