My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
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Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”