My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
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you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
If you don’t like coffee, you’re probably just not putting enough Baileys in it
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
It’s strange that we say time is a great healer when it kills 100% of people.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.