My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
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What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
The happy life.. 😊
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.