My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
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Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Finally! 😈
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.