My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
This forever.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
So inspired right now.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers