My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
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SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh