Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

Looking for a new spicy potato chip?

-Hot Pringles in your area

Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

I support this random dude and all his protests

You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math

[My first day as an architecture major]

*raises hand*

When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

oh, you’re in a situationship?

are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.