My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
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Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday