Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.

[planning heist]

leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?

me: that’s when I take my break too tho

I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

*Scrolls TL*

Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!

*sips juicebox*

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks

Somebody call the cops.

When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.

911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*