Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.

Direct deposit: $1400

Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap

To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.

Kid: It’s been an hour.

Me: You’re free to go.

Kid: Like, go play?

Me: Like, move out

Kid: I’m 7.

Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻

Category: Sharks of the Sea

This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.

This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10