Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

me: I’m having hearing issues

doctor: can you describe the symptoms?

me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

Me: “I wanna fit into my old clothes again”
Google: “Eat differently”
Me: “No, not like that”
Google: “Exercise more”
Me: “Not like that”
Google: “Leave me alone then”

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂

All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.