Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

*Food arrives*

*Waits 3 days*

*Slowly takes bite of food*

*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*

HOW IS EVERYTHING??

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!

ad for letuce:

do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

[buying an engagement ring]

clerk: that will be $10,000

me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD