My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
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The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I can’t tell if this character in the movie I’m watching is a villain or just German.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
The glory of fall.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed