My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
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In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard