Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live

Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅

“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

*3.5 thank you very much.

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

My whole life was a lie.

i’m so sick of this guy

After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.

Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!

900 of you don’t read my shit.

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?

eating my hot dog hamburger style

joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece