Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

Rules for rap battling Eminem:

1. Do not let Eminem go first.

2. Do not let Eminem go second.

My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.