My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
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Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
God, I love Scotland
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
