My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
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Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Lmfaoooooo
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
PARKOUR
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.