My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
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My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
How many gray sedans in a parking lot is too many? Should I go to a different Walgreens?
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories