Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back

TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?

Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel

TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead

Bobby pin

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.