Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.

If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.

What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?

The invention of the 2nd telephone

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest

You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

her: what are you, like, six feet?

me: *muffled foot noises*

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.