Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”

*leans in for a kiss*

Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all

Farmer:

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

LinkedIn is a terrible dating site

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…

Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right

My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!

Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.

Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?

ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian

Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.