Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

Genie: You have three wishes.

Me: First, I would like a time machine.

*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*

Genie: You have three wishes.

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

Interviewer: What skills do you have?

Me: Mind control

Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”

self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.

[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!

[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…