My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
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ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases