My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
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Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
why am I working on Labor Day
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Smile Twitter, Smile.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep