My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
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“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I couldn鈥檛 help but notice how you have pistachios that you鈥檇 probably like to share.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
saving face 馃憖
When I snag the last meatball.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where鈥檚 my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it鈥檚 waaaay more embarrassing
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can鈥檛 control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.