Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw three bowls of dessert.

I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

My daily affirmation

You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car

Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

any last words?

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

craving $300 all of a sudden