my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
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if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.