Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text

Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

[watching him pack his bag to leave]

Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?

Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

For the orator and chef in all of us

Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????

Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!

My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*

Me- STOP IT

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

CANADA WATCHING US NEWS

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird