My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Just say no
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
