My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
