My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
hackers play passwordle
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
HELP 😭
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
