My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
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Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I鈥檝e never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I swear I鈥檇 chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn鈥檛 know I鈥檇 chase after it.
Sorry. Not sorry
Asked him his height and he鈥檚 been typing for 2 minutes 馃え
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don鈥檛 even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let鈥檚 do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 馃槀
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude