My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
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“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Clients after you give them your rates
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
NOT all policemen are strippers.