Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
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Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses