Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

Tuesday

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.

Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.

9yo: You’re making it worse.

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?