Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to rescind my Christmas wishes to my sister-in-law, Jessica, who got my kids a 100 peice indoor fake snowball fight kit.

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.

i spent way too long on this

when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right

Start calling divorces “incidents”

Level up on that intrigue

Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

husband: help me choose a baby name.

me: ok, but shouldn’t we go with an adult one?

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs

The opposite of goth is stopth.

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

How tf did it end up there?