Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

Drugs don’t ruin lives

Drug tests do

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

🙁
turn that frown upside down
):

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.

Last Minute Gift Idea:

Chew with your mouth closed.

Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

No flush

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

Monday again. I just knew this would happen

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.