My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
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When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or