My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
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woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”