My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
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No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Can confirm.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂