Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.

The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you

That shit is annoying.

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’

Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’

911: *click

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you