My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
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King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not