My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
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Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot