Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t wait!

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.

kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate

Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards

Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.