Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

“Great, now I have to pee.”

Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.

[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

All generalizations are stupid.

Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

*donates body to science*

Science: “I have a boyfriend”

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”

New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”

If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.

“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

I’ll go first…

Bad Boys. 😏

It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

Mom Math:

If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?

Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”

Me: “Say no more”

[Monday]

Boss: “Where’s my report?”

Me: “Shhh”

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.