Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

*NEW*

For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.

PUNderwear ®

Comfort is No Laughing Matter™

*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

[White Castle]

YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.

ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?

ME: There is no way

PAL: Why?

ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

airing out the snack pack

grocery bagger: paper or plastic?

me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.

pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people