Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8

Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset

Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

I wish they sold off-brand cars.

I’d get me a Joop

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

[Spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.

Me: “I-N-V-U-“

Judge: I am pretty awesome.

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.

Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.