My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
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[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends