My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
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My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.