Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.

I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.

Stop looking for the perfect match.
Use a lighter.

“I challenge you to a duel!”

“Very well. The weapon?”

“Compliments.”

“A capital choice.”

“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”

Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available

Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.

ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke

CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s

ME:

CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think

Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.

The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.