Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom

Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*

yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.

quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

The USS B port

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

tell em, edith-anne

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”

Me: “Say no more”

[Monday]

Boss: “Where’s my report?”

Me: “Shhh”