Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

Bartenders are just boneless bars

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!

My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while

Me: I had a cold

Them: it’s been 7 months

Me: I had a lot of colds

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs

PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?

ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’

*priest slowly backs away*

my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up

Me: I look cute today.

Camera: No.

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.