My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
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Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!