Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

Respect

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”

Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”

Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

grandma: more potatoes?

me: sure

*3 hours later*

grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?

me: *locking eyes* sure

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

me: what’s your biggest turnoff

her: noisy people

me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same

Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.