My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
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Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.