Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT

My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting

me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?

9: You

Me: What about me?

9: You won’t think its as funny as we do

when dads have a rap battle

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever