My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.