My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
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Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
#merica
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match