Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

🤣

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Me: *lies down to sleep*

Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned

what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??

[Job Interview]

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.

Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.

Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.