Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

Person: I like you

Me: *eyes narrow* Why

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

A friend sent me this.

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*

Adam: That’s not funny.

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.

Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.

Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.