Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

Today I’m going to give it my almost

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so

“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog

Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather

[Earlier]

Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”

✌️

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

happy mother’s day❤️

this has done me in for some reason

Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.