My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
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Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also