My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
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*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny