Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

ME: wow look at all these hotties

FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”

The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.

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Phew ✔
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The Chosen Phew

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.

Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.

I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

Yes 😂

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.