Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!

Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!

Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

* Kindergarten*

Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]

[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read

“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.

no, no… I don’t want to be a burden

– me being a total burden

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

With a text.

Capitalist: Hi

Anti-Capitalist: hi